Ode to the stepfather

I found out Tuesday morning I was an orphan.

The last of my four parents had passed away quietly at 5:45 a.m. Although I had been warned by a nurse the day before my stepfather’s end was possibly approaching, I was positive he would rally as he has done before. I was reinforced in my belief all would be fine when my sister, Michelle, saw him on Monday and talked to him for about an hour.

My stepfather, Stuart, has been in my life since I was little over 5 years old when both my parents remarried. I don’t really remember my biological parents being together very much, but I never felt like I missed anything because I don’t. Each parent had their distinctive personalities and, for the most part, I am a better man for it.

My father was a very religious man and a true rocket scientist, a farm boy who made good. He gave me a strong spiritual belief. My stepmother was the type of typical homemaker who had cookies, or some sort of treat, waiting for me when I came home from school. She made me want to be kind to people because she was. My mother instilled in me very early, life is not a dress rehearsal and to live with as few regrets as possible. It has become a motto for me.

The tough one was Stuart, who was one of the most exacting people I have ever met. Hyper intelligent, he worked for IBM almost all his life as a manager of some sort at different plants. He was the parent who pushed me to look at all angles before making any impulsive decision. Stuart hated when people around him did something stupid and made it clear.

He could be so annoying because, as a kid, I did lots of unwise things. Plus, as often as not, he was the smartest guy in the room and wasn’t shy about letting people know it. To say he didn’t suffer fools is being kind. Less kind, would be to say he was somewhat arrogant. I always felt he gave me good practice to deal with personalities like this as I encountered them in life.

There was quite a time when I doubted I could ever be close with him.

My biological father passed way too early. He didn’t even get to enjoy retirement. My stepmother didn’t really want to live without him and she basically died of a broken heart five years later, although cancer was diagnosed as the cause.

It was pretty tough to lose them at a fairly young age, but my mother and Stuart kept the parental fires going. Although my mother was not wild about me taking her words so seriously by living overseas.

I would visit them and there were times that were great and other times, that weren’t. My mother became obsessed with me coming back to live around her, or at least the USA. Stuart loved her very much and usually would side with her.

They were very happy when I bought my home in Wyoming.

I would call weekly when I was in America and I found Stuart actually listening to me. When I was overseas, the calls were not as frequent. Whereas my mother wanted to know when I was coming home, I noticed Stuart liked hearing my adventures.

I have always assumed that started our bonding.

Time marched on, and they aged fairly graceful until about three years ago. Then deterioration of physical health meant they had to go into assisted living. They moved to Colorado from Maine to be closer to my sister and me. My mother didn’t last six months because she was one of the unfortunate elderly to get Covid-19 when it first hit Denver.

Stuart became the last parent alive and, although his health wasn’t excellent, it always comforted me to talk to him and I hoped he would be around for years to come.

I tried to phone him every Sunday since, with the advent of the pandemic, I could not visit him other than stand outside a window. Fortunately, that changed a couple months ago.

Stuart who had once been one of the hardest people to get along with during my youth, became one of my biggest supporters of the life I was living. The complimentary words he said made up for the strife we had during my younger years.

There was a real loss this week I could not understand exactly when I found out Stuart was gone. I assumed it was because he was my last parent left, but it was more. The second day of his passing, I could barely do anything. I was really surprised. I really hadn’t realized how much he meant to me.

It all came home when I had to look through letters from them. My mother was an avid letter writer and often included documents my sister and I need now to sort out Stuart’s passing, his parents’ names and other information. Stuart sometimes included a few words when my mother wrote.

I haven’t looked at these letters for years.

One of these letter’s words popped out from the man who had influenced my life for years and somehow I had forgotten he said what he had when he did.

The letter came a couple years after my divorce and I was starting my life over in Taiwan after living in Hawaii. Stuart, my mother and Michelle had come over for a visit just before I left for Asia.

The words which caught my attention were:

“I have a great deal of confidence in you. Therefore I thought that you’d tough it through—as you have done. You have so much going for you, and you do make every one of your assets do double duty for you that I can’t imagine you being plopped down somewhere and not coming out smelling like a rose, or swimming mightily and emerging with the gold ring.”

I get now why I miss him so much. At a much younger age than I remembered, Stuart was giving me words of encouragement as a man who considered me his son.

All those times he introduced me as his son means quite a bit more. Actually, it means the world to me.

I know step-parents often get a bad rap and the passing of one, is not considered as life altering as losing a biological parent. I can categorically say that attitude is wrong. My stepmother I was amazing and I was crushed when she died.

I can say that about my stepfather now.

So for the step-parent that reads this, understand your love for a child that may not have come from your blood, but rather through marriage, does have the capacity to love you as if they did.

It may take time, but in the end it is worth it for all.

 

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