Lately I have been cursing myself for my incessant need to over-plan everything. I am not one of those ‘go with the flow’ kinds of people. Planning is my security blanket, and it leads me to make some difficult decisions.
So last summer, I was in a situation where one of my most intricately detailed plans fell quicker then I had time to process. I was unbelievably close to a job as an environmental planner. From the time-intensive work I had put into the job hunt, I was confident that I would get it. However, after one very qualified guy with a master’s degree applied, I was toast.
Things felt pretty bleak after that. Friends started getting jobs in my field, and I checked boats all day for invasive species — meaning disgusting, slimy water and spraying them down like a car wash would. It was fine, but nowhere near where I wanted to be. Instead of starting a meaningful career where I can earn respect from my fellow peers, I spent my time feeling defeated.
My seasonal job soon ended and I was now stuck, unemployed and lost looking for any sign of hope.
My insecurities and pure confusion led me to revert back to what made me comfortable: making another, better, plan. I decided to apply to grad school. That was what all my focus turned to, if I couldn’t get a job then I would get the education that I needed to further my network.
I didn’t really plan what I would be doing in the interim, thinking that as long as I made some income, that I would be fine. It never occurred to me that I would be moving halfway across the country, to a place where I would ultimately not want to leave.
So the day after I completed my application for graduate school, my boyfriend Keith got an email landing him the job in Saratoga, Wyo. So yeah I thought, ‘Hey why not?’ I could spend some time in Wyoming, and if I am accepted to grad school, then I leave.
No amount of planning could have prepared me for this place. Honestly, I feel like a different person here. I have a job where I am constantly growing and where my thoughts and actions make an impact on such a fine community. Frankly, I know more people here and talk to them more frequently then I do with people in my own hometown.
You know why I think that is? Everyone here feels personally responsible for this community. Everyone wants to know who is moving to town. This place has my heart, the people have my heart and I’m not ready to leave.
So then the decision came, I was accepted to the three-year graduate school program with a very good scholarship. When I told everyone at work and people in town, many responded by exclaiming, “Well that’s a no-brainier, you have to go!”
But as the change looms closer over my head, my mind holds less and less rationale for going; because when I think of mid-August, my head pushes me into denial.
The last thing I think about is that I will be packing my things up from my apartment. I just can’t fathom it.
My boyfriend talks about a concert in September that he’s planning on going to, and I am not included, but I still imagine that I’m going.
Many rave about how beautiful fall is here. I imagine the golden aspen leaves decorating the landscape — imagining may be as close as I get to seeing it — but I have an instinct that I will.
So with this odd denial I have been experiencing, I have been constantly thinking, pondering, questioning what I will do.
It’s kind of pathetic really, I started Google searching ‘how to make hard choices’. Especially embarrassing when one of my co-workers looks over to see the search on my computer. She knows exactly what it’s about.
I did find one link that was useful. It was a TED Talk about the philosophy of hard choices.
When making choices, most of the time there is one that usually is obviously better than the other. However, there are some choices, where neither option is better than the other. There is no ‘right’ choice.
And many, when faced with the dilemma, where there is no right choice, they like to choose the one that’s less risky. However, in situations such as those, you can’t immediately make that choice. Because when there is no better choice, where you will lose something no matter what you do, the ‘risker’ choice holds the same merit as the ‘less risky’ choice. Risk can’t be a factor that is the decision-maker.
I think about that a lot now.
At this point, I really don’t know what I am doing. I need direction, and my indecisiveness is not helping the situation. I wish I could just choose and be done with it — but nothing feels right.
I made my decision to go to grad school in April, I set that slap of reality aside in the back of my head until now.
As of today, grad school is the course I am taking. But I am still gathering information, still processing what’s right for me. That ‘safe’ decision I planned doesn’t seem so safe anymore, it feels like a pretty big sacrifice actually.
A girl I was volunteering with on Saturday was curious about why a New York girl was in Wyoming. She asked me, “are you just here for the summer.” I kind of stepped back, thought about it, and solemnly said “As of now, yes. Just here for a few months.”
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