Out of control

Life defining moments are sometimes easy to recognize as they are happening and other instances it takes a little time to realize they occurred.

I just had an occasion where I had a life lesson that I could feel changing me, but I didn’t know how to cope. There was so much swirling around in my mind. It was like the outdoors with the copious amounts of snow coming down almost every day the past few weeks.

The day before the first wave of snow, I talked to my friend KC who has been putting up an amazing fight against cancer.

Unfortunately, the doctors have run out of options to treat her. Good news, no more chemo or treatments that have compromised her system to keep the cancer at bay.

Her lungs have taken the brunt of what this disease has been doing to her body. Tumors have started growing and nothing has worked recently to curtail them.

KC’s next move is to go into hospice.

She told me a good friend had recently had her mother go into hospice where she passed away.

“Mike, they do everything for you to make you comfortable,” KC told me.

I was listening to her and inside I was getting crushed. My knowledge of hospice care is that it is the beginning of the end. Fortunately, as KC explained to me what hospice care actually is, I started to feel better.

Hospice care is designed to give supportive care to people in the final phase of a terminal illness and focus on comfort and quality of life, rather than a cure.

KC told me that to get hospice care, usually the patient is expected to live about six months. All medical treatments are discontinued and the patients comfort is the focus. KC told me some people live in hospice for several years. The six months is only a guess.

“I lived almost 9 years with stage four cancer, two years should be a piece of cake,” KC told me laughing. “Plus they think of everything so I don’t have to.”

The goal of hospice care is to enable patients to be comfortable and free of pain, so that they live each day as fully as possible. Aggressive methods of pain control may be used.

KC told me she was on a regimen of pain medicine—but not strong enough to keep her from enjoying day-to-day life. She also said the steroids were working on her lungs.

“I feel a lot better than I have in a long time,” KC said.

Hospice programs, generally, are home-based, but they sometimes provide services away from home. The philosophy of hospice is to provide support for the patient’s emotional, social, and spiritual needs as well as medical symptoms as part of treating the whole person.

“Do you know they went out and bought dark red washcloths and towels to replace the ones I have because when it gets bad, sometimes you are coughing blood—and having bloody washcloths can upset people,” KC told me. “I mean, who thinks of that unless you have gone through it before.”

She is right. I would not have thought of it.

Hospice programs generally use a multidisciplinary team approach, including the services of a nurse, doctor, social worker and clergy in providing care. Additional services include drugs to control pain and manage other symptoms; physical, occupational and speech therapy; medical supplies and equipment; medical social services; dietary and other counseling; continuous home care at times of crisis; and bereavement services.

As KC explained how relieved she was that so much was being taken care of for her. She said those words have become her mantra.

“I haven’t ever died before, this is all new to me,” KC said with a bit of laughter.

If she was not so light hearted about what was happening, I probably would have started bawling.

She pointed out we are all going to die and to get prepared isn’t a bad thing.

I am one of those people who hasn’t gone out of my way to get ready for my demise. Listening to KC made me realize how much I could burden my family by not being prepared. KC has already picked out the church for her funeral.

Her bravery was nothing new for me. She has been this way forever. As she talked to me how good hospice was, I took comfort.

I don’t want my friend out of my life anytime soon. There is a good chance she won’t be.

“Mike I am not dead yet,” KC said. “I can still wipe my behind and live my life with good quality. Going into hospice is just smart.”

When I got off the phone with her, I felt changed. I haven’t really ever been scared of dying, mostly due to my spirituality, but seldom have I taken much time to think about it either. KC’s phone call changed that. I knew I owed it to my family to take care of fundamentals that happen when a person passes on.

I went about the next few days, being a bit bummed about not flying straight to Virginia to visit her, although as she eloquently told me, she wasn’t dead yet. The snow that kept coming down day after day reminded me how little control I have over the world. In fact, the closure of roads for several days kept me from work and kept me pretty much in my house (not counting shoveling my driveway). I found myself looking at pics of KC that are throughout my home and I was blasted with the great memories we had made together.

Then, not being able to get to a place I was supposed to be on the Saturday after talking to KC almost sent my world crashing. The people I had let down could not have been more understanding, but I found myself sitting in the dark office of the Sun on a Saturday morning with tears running down my face.

I don’t want to go over my stupid stoic nature that, for some reason, keeps tears at a minimum. But really, tears don’t come easy to me.

Anyway, tears flowing in a dark office made me realize how frustrated I was I couldn’t control much about life. Even things such as getting a date wrong happen—and although certainly preventable, you can’t change the circumstance once it occurs.

I really could feel my perspective on life changing. It was crazy to me as I sat in the dark office, that I was facing the cold reality of how little I can control in life. What I can control is getting ready for the end by taking responsibility that it is going to happen.

It is time for me to do this so I don’t leave everything for my family to deal with. It really isn’t fair to them or any loved ones.

KC had shown me this.

I was blessed the day she came into my life so long ago and I feel that way still.

So although she tells me, she has never died before and laughs, I have to tell her she will never be dead as long as I am alive.

I am sure others will tell her this too.

Her impact on me and others is just way too strong.

Anyway, two to three years is a long ways off and who knows what life has planned for her, me or anyone.

I just know when my time comes I will be much better prepared than I was a couple weeks ago.