Changing diapers, habits

A small human is standing at the side of my bed calling me names.

“Daddy. Daddy ... Daddy!”

My eyelids, still heavy with sleep, struggle to open.

“What is it?” I ask.

“I pooped,” he says.

The odor that assaults my nose confirms his confession.

“Change my butt,” the tiny being demands.

Checking my phone I see that it’s 3 a.m. I let out a sigh as I sit up and get out of bed.

My son, Jareth, will be turning 4 years old this weekend. I am amazed that I, a person who can barely keep a houseplant alive, have successfully kept a small human alive for 48 months. Or 208 weeks. Or 1,460 days. Or 35,040 hours. Or … well, you get the idea.

In that time, there have been many things I have learned and observed about being a parent.

For starters, I can’t take all the credit for raising Jareth. My wife, Telitha, has been the core of our parenting team. No matter how many stinky butts I have changed, it pales in comparison to the ones that she has taken care of. There have been a lot of stinky butts, too!

Telitha was not too happy when, in Jareth’s first year, I accidentally fed him a small Gerber container of prunes.

I’ve learned that children are human recorders and they will repeat everything they hear. I have had to limit my use of rude, crude and socially unacceptable words that are unfit for print. Telitha refers to it as “refinery mouth” and has threatened the use of a swear jar.

Over Thanksgiving, we visited my maternal grandparents down in Colorado. While posing for a picture, my grandfather directed everyone to say “s**t.” Jareth had no problem following his great-grandfather’s directions.

My watching habits have changed. When Jareth was born, I was working through the third season of Game of Thrones. I still have not finished it and am now so far behind that I’m hesitant to try and start watching, again. Instead, I have been obsessed with watching the cartoon Princess of Avalor come into her own as a ruler. While the political intrigue of Avalor may not be as violent as that of Westeros, it is no less entertaining.

When Jareth first began watching Paw Patrol, I wondered why there was a town that had no emergency or public services.

Now, even when Jareth leaves the room, I find myself unable to change the channel. I need to know if Marshal will complete his mission or if Chase will solve the mystery! Also, where in blue blazes is Sky?

Just as my watching habits have changed, so have my listening habits. I still listen to a lot of the music I used to listen to, but I can’t for the life of me name any Top 40 artists. I can, however, tell you that if you haven’t heard the entire music catalog from Bubble Guppies you are missing out!

Whether you are listening to “The Restaurant,” “Sun, Beautiful Sun” or “It’s a Beautiful Day” you will groove to the musical stylings of … whatever it is the Bubble Guppies are. Are they baby mermaids? If someone knows the answer, please let me know.

I have also learned more about dinosaurs than I ever thought I wanted to know! This was made apparent during a recent visit to the Royal Gorge Dinosaur Experience. I was not only able to name many of the dinosaurs, but even pronounce the names correctly. I knew that quetzalcoatlus was the largest pterosaur, I also knew that stegosaurus and triceratops were able to change the color of their plates and frills, respectively.

When the tour guide asked me how I knew so much about dinosaurs, my answer was simple:

“Ma’am,” I said, “I have a 3-year-old.”

She needed no further explanation.

I have also learned that Jareth, much like many toddlers (I assume), has plenty of questions and does not want a simple answer. I don’t know why the sky is blue or why the tyrannosaurus rex had such small arms or how a combustion engine works. I have to find out, though. I have to find these answers because he is not happy with the answers “because” or “because I said so.”

That doesn’t stop him, however, from using those same answers to our questions.

Finally, I have learned to cut myself some slack. I will never be the perfect parent—nor should I expect myself to be. I will get frustrated with Jareth at times, but it isn’t because of any failure on my part. It isn’t because of any failure on his part, either.

Jareth will frustrate me, try my patience and get on my nerves like it’s his job. It is his job. It is his job to ask questions, push boundaries and experience life. It is my job to answer those questions as best I can, make him aware of what boundaries shouldn’t be pushed and help him experience life.

The pediatrician, Benjamin Spock, once said “Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”

The Vulcan, Spock, once said “Are you sure it isn’t time for a colorful metaphor?”

I can’t think of a colorful metaphor to end this column, as I prepare to change yet another stinky butt, so I will follow the advice of the former Spock. I’ll trust myself.

 

Reader Comments(0)