The Saratoga Sun -

 
 

Clearing the Cobwebs part II

 


It’s just about time again for a mental cleaning. I keep putting new things in my head and other things keep falling out. That being the case I thought I would share some of the things taking up space in my cranial cavity so maybe I can retain some other important things.

… or not.

Since it has been well over a year since I wrote a column composed of half-baked ideas, I figured it was about time.

***

Dumplings:

Is that what you get when you have bunny-sized poops?

Or is that just folks from the planet Dump?

***

I was thinking about the word decapitated the other day.

Don’t ask me why. You don’t want to know how my mind works.

Anyway …

Decapitated. What is that? Sounds like someone just wants to take your hat off. Possibly that would just be de-cap.

Maybe it was someone taking your cap and eating it or just describing the specific hat eaten by your dog.

What hat was it?

It was “de cap it ate.”

I looked the word up and found that it comes from latin roots. “De,” a prefix expressing removal and “capita” meaning head.

So where did the “ate” thing come from?

I don’t know … but I’m not going to lose my head over it.

***

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.

Which just means that in Wyoming you are going to have to be really fast to catch it.

***

When I was in my twenties I had a junky old two-tone Volvo. It was a pretty reliable and comfortable means of transportation for a while. It just wasn’t much to look at.

The reason it was two-tone was because it had once had a vinyl roof cover on it and the previous owner had taken it off and spray painted the area the vinyl had occupied a primer grey. The rest of the car was a nice (but oxidized) dark blue.

One day my step-dad, in a fit of “here’s what your car can look like,” cleaned a spot on the hood of the car.

That spot was remarkable. The roughly eight inch by eight inch area looked like new paint.

My give-a-damn about a primer-top car was such though that only that singular spot of clean hood real estate looked new until the car and I parted ways several years later.

***

***

The hatmaker didn’t even consider ears in his designs … he was ear-regardless!

Why would someone want to lend an ear to regardless anyway?

***

If a guy who kills people for a living gets you sick …

do you have Assassin’s Crud?

***

Before I became the actual “boss” and back when I was just the lowly artist—I was telling two reporters one day my opinion on the best way to present a story.

Some heated discussion ensued.

Being “the senior guy” in the office I began to tell them, “Listen up, boys …”

As if they had rehearsed it, I immediately faced four fingers pointed at me in a four-barreled gesture commonly referred to as “the bird”.

I laughed because it was really well-timed … and well-deserved.

I get a little full of myself sometimes.

***

A friend kept calling my cats “fixed.”

I told him to just call a spayed a spayed.

***

Why are more reality survival show cameramen not eaten?

***

One of our reporters was about to get married. That being the case, he wrote a column full of his thoughts on the pending situation.

Some of those thoughts were of the “this might get me in dutch with the missus” category and, being the guy I am (a huge jackass), I gathered enough copies of the column to wrap his large wedding present in.

At least I think he is still married ...

***

I like to give good movies and shows “referential treatment.”

***

Do you think the bug population has decreased since the advent of the car?

Covered wagons probably didn’t splatter bugs the way cars today do.

I thought this might have been a good springtime article, but besides that observation, I didn’t have much else to put into it.

I did have a good title though: “Down at the local bug and grille.”

***

I hope you got a chuckle out of at least one of these pieces of fluff. It was nice to get some of these notes off of my desk pad and clear some of my mental hard drive.

I do, of course, reserve the right to write fuller columns about any of these things if I can figure out anything to add to them.

Here’s wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a wonderful holiday season!

 

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