This is a very important message ...

This is an important message.

Please do not hang up the phone …

*CLICK.*

That “click” was me hanging up the phone.

I am pretty sure you have received these annoying calls yourself.

I have signed up for the government’s “Do Not Call” list (donotcall.gov) on several occasions now.

That works about as well as you might think a top-notch government-run organization might run.

Which is to say …

“RING!”

Excuse me.

“No, I don’t need help with my student loan!” This said to the ether since the machine that just called to ask about helping with my student loan obviously didn’t hear me.

Hey, I get to vent.

Venting is about the only upside to these calls.

Hang Ups

Anymore, if I don’t hear someone talking almost immediately, I hang up.

That extended pause indicates a machine on a fairly reliable basis.

So I hang up.

Well, at home anyway.

Can’t really do that at work. At work, it might actually be an important call.

I have gotten calls from cell phones that would indicate poor reception—then clear up—that end up being necessary communications.

But at home … if it’s important—and they are a person—they can call back.

So if you call me and I say “Hello,” you might want to be prepared to say something.

Hands-Full Calling

These calls are cleverly timed to occur when your hands are full too.

I have been washing dishes only to have the phone ring.

I have been just getting out of the shower only to run to catch a ringing phone wet and naked.

Drip, drip, drip. “Hello?”

“Your auto warranty is about to expire on your Ford …”

As I move my puddle-making nudity back to the bathroom I find myself cussing and thinking, “I don’t even have a Ford!”

I am not sure how these maniacal machines have figured out how to call at exactly the right time to increase your frustration to its absolute maximum, but somehow they do.

Perhaps it is related to the Matrix in some way.

Did someone hook a crystal ball into Intel headquarters somewhere?

There’s a strategic strike begging to be made.

Robo Charity

Don’t get me wrong, I am glad the weary former auto assembly line robots and beat up R2 units can get a job (and they are probably happy to “twist a knife” in their human overlord’s collective backs), but there is more honest work a down-and-out droid can do.

They could vacuum your house like the hard-working Roomba.

They could join the military and become a drone (which is much preferable to becoming a corporate drone).

Even becoming a robot sewer cam is better, in my opinion, than becoming a “whore of the automaton world.”

Heck even becoming a sex robot (yes, these are a thing—and the real whores of the bot continuum) is better than becoming a robot caller.

I think I would rather see a maligned mechanical begging on the street corner than hooked into an auto dialer.

Worse?

You wouldn’t think it could get worse.

You’d be wrong.

Every two years …

You see where this is going.

… the prostitutes of the human world (politicians) team up with the lowlifes of the machine world to send you their taped pleas for your vote.

I can’t hang up quickly enough.

I do not care if I LOVE the candidate calling … they just lost my vote.

CANDIDATES: Please, please, PLEASE do not affiliate yourselves with these mechanical monstrosities. It will not reflect well on you.

Getting Your Numbers

According to an article entitled “Comcast or Capital One calling? It may be a robocall scam. Here are the top 10” which appeared in the July 6, 2018 edition of USA Today, the top robocall offender is Capital One. This company called to discuss “an important business matter” at a volume of 37 million calls last June alone.

Others on the list were debt collectors, auto refinancing, wireless service and various other “urgent” messages.

The bottom of the top ten list generated 7 million calls in June of 2018—so you get the idea of the numbers generated.

Ending the Conversation

There are lots of websites that claim to be able to help you block these insidious communiques.

Trust me.

Just type “blocking robocalls” into your computers search engine.

I have no idea if any of them work.

Honestly, I don’t know if your computer is in league with the robot callers anyway—ever hear of “Spam?”

The Last Word?

I never know where inspiration for a column is going to come from.

This one started with a phony call.

Sorry, gotta go. The phone is ringing.

***

I’m back.

I know this wasn’t your normal cheery Christmas-type column.

I’m sorry.

I write them as they come to me.

But rest assured I wish each and every person out there a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Really.

Even if you irritate me the rest of the year.

Heck, if you celebrate Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Yule, Saturnalia, Festivus or any other similar-type observance, I hope you have a superior one of those too.

 

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